E-mail Print PDF


 

Dom Me, Dammit!
And I REALLY Mean It This Time

A Common Problem When Vanilla Turns Kinky
Some Tips and Hints for the submissive partner.

by
jade


A Common Issue

Perhaps one of the most common complaints we get from submissives who are in marriages or relationships that are moving from vanilla to D/s is this one: "I want to be dommed and my husband/wife isn't doing what I need."  The frustration level these new subs are experiencing is overwhelming and I'm sure their partner is in the same boat.  For many couples, this period of uncertainty can make or break the foundation of a healthy power exchange and any hope of changing the dynamics of their relationship.

There are many factors that come into play as we begin to sort out the tangled nerves and disappointments.  While every couple is different, we find many common threads in unraveling the problems of their budding Master/sub alliance.  Identifying the problem is the beginning of a solution and the purpose of this article.  Here are some of the most common:

  • Past Roles in the Relationship - Probably the biggest factor in the failures of vanilla to kink relationships.  For years the wife has worn the pants in the family and suddenly she wants hubby to take over.  Her intentions are great but her partner knows her all too well and isn't surprised when she barks out orders as he tries to exercise his new-found dominance.  Sometimes it isn't this obvious, but the results are the same: He balks at taking the reins because of years of being the one under the whip.

  • Lack of Knowledge - Another prime cause of potential failure to make the transition.  Both people in the relationship may want the change but neither has enough experience or knowledge about the complexities of a D/s relationship to take the first steps out of the bedroom.   They find the sexual aspects very satisfying but seem to fall flat when dealing with the psychological effects of changing roles.  Martha loved being tied up and having passionate sex but dug her heels in when asked to fetch a cup of coffee for "master."

  • Lack of Experience - Reading about something and doing it are light-years apart.  Both parties were aroused as they read a chapter in "Screw the Roses" but were left cold when it didn't "feel" like it said it would in the book.  "Didn't it say that the sub was supposed to like nipple clamps?  Then why did it hurt like hell when my bungling dominant husband tried them on me?"  Experience in how to use toys and how to motivate the submissive's desire to surrender take time and practice.

  • Moving Too Fast and Expecting Too Much - Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your D/s relationship.  It takes time to grow into these new roles and years before you reach a point where you both can anticipate the needs of the other in something as difficult as a power exchange.  When someone tells you that they learned all they needed to know about being a dom or sub in 6 months they were either wannabes or playing on the surface.   A Dominant/submissive alliance takes time and work to build foundations of trust, respect and patience to get to the 24/7 type of situation you may desire.  In the beginning it's a struggle to maintain it for more than a few hours or days at a time.   No one can go from vanilla one day to a 24/7 in a week.

  • Fear - Very often the reason a relationship bogs down.  One or both in the partnership do not trust enough to move beyond the first steps.  It might be fear grounded in past experiences or just fear of the unknown or failure.  Subbies, take note; more often than not, it's the dominant who has the most fear.  Taking on the responsibilities required in being the "boss" is overwhelming to some dominants.  They struggle with conflicts regarding failure, society's view of their role and fear of injuring you emotionally, physically or spiritually.  Nagging won't help the situation either.

  • Growth Differences - Another big one.  Submissives jump into their roles much quicker than dominants.   It's part of their nature.  Dominants need to ease into things, check out all the possibilities, feel secure in their position and confident in their abilities.   Submissives seem to rush into it and throw themselves on the fires of martyrdom, especially with someone they already love and trust.

So Where Do I Go From Here?

I can tell you where NOT to go: to an online Master instead of your partner.  This is one of the most damaging things that happens in a marriage that tries to go from vanilla to D/s.  If you want your s/o (significant other) to eventually be your Master/Mistress, then direct your attention to them, not someone outside the relationship.  Not only does this cause you to have conflicting feelings of loyalty and fidelity, it undermines the confidence of your real-life partner.  Trust is the essence of a D/s relationship and I can see little room for trust when a submissive is carrying on an affair online with another dominant.   Even with permission from your s/o, you are likely headed for some serious problems.   You are going to get conflicting information, expectations and emotions when you try to serve two masters.  Comparison of the two dominants is inevitable and does nothing but create difficulties for you and your real-life mate.  Very few submissives can keep their hearts out of the symbiosis between dominant and submissive, so don't fool yourself with the idea you can play online and turn off the bond that develops between you and your "cyber-master" when you shut down the computer.  This also goes for offline playing at scene parties and groups.

Focus your submissive eyes on your s/o.   Start working on "you" before you work on them.  Learn what being submissive truly means and put that knowledge to work within your relationship.   There are many ways you can begin to practice your skills while your dominant is testing the waters and not yet able to assume his/her eventual role as Master/Mistress.   Help build their confidence by deferring your decisions to them.  Nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, brings out those dominant feelings like you showing your submissive side.  Show them you are changing and willing to accept their control.  In order to do this you have to give up control first.  Very few new dominants are going to wrestle the reins from your hands.  Lay them down gently...and let them alone.

You are going to have to show your vulnerability in order to evoke those protective feelings from your dominant.  Doing this isn't always easy and the temptation to control the situation is a powerful urge to overcome, but you can do it with practice.  Years of previous behavior are not going to suddenly vanish and neither is your s/o's reactions to their memories of past events.

You are going to have to do some serious damage control to give him/her the courage to try to be in the driver's seat if you were the type who always grabbed the steering wheel.  Don't expect your s/o to "take" command from you if you were always the ruling partner.  You are going to have to make this control a "gift" and place it at their feet.  Be prepared; it might take them some time to gain enough confidence and trust to pick it up for fear of having it torn from their hands, as it was in the past.

Some Helpful Tips and Guidelines

I know you're anxious to get started and those submissive feelings are bubbling over inside you, but you have some work ahead of you.   Keep this in mind: Though it may be an effort to make this succeed, you will reap benefits that will last a lifetime.  As an added bonus, while you work toward this goal, you are developing your own submissive instincts and skills.  This looks like a win/win situation to me.  *grin*

  • Count Your Blessings Daily - You may not have the perfect dominant yet, but you are much better off than those poor souls who have a s/o who won't even discuss the idea of a power exchange.   Your partner is interested, so you are fortunate and have a great chance to work on the lifestyle you have dreamed of.

  • Continue to Learn - Spend time learning more about the lifestyle, activities and psychology of a submissive.   Share what you've learned with your partner in a non-threatening way. A statement like "Dear, may I tell you what I read about submission today?" will work far better than "Listen to what I read about what a dominant should do!"  The second statement will only build resentment and give him doubts about his own dominance over you.

  • Stop Topping From the Bottom - This is a big one and should be at the top of the list if you are guilty of it.  A typical example is found in this statement "I told you not to let me get away with doing certain things.  Tell me to stop doing it!!"  You are taking control of the relationship by guiding how your partner will control you and when.   A submissive's place is not to tell a dominant how to do anything unless he/she asks.  A much better way to handle it would be to say "I need help to overcome doing certain things.  Is there a way you might be able to help me?"   You've shown your willingness to ask, you've expressed your confidence in his ability, you've been vulnerable by asking for help, and you have put the reins in the dominant's hands.  Not bad for a few simple words.

  • Be Careful About Making Suggestions or Offering Criticism - This one is a twin sister to "topping from the bottom."  Avoid making suggestions during a scene or any attempt at taking control.  Nothing can deflate a new dominant's ego faster than hearing "I want you to tie my hands like this instead of what you are doing" or "You aren't spanking me hard enough...do it harder!"  While this information might be appreciated at another time, it won't win you points if you offer it while he's trying to practice his dominant skills.  Wait for a better opportunity to say. "I loved how you bound me when we made love last night and I'd like to try something that I've fantasized about" and then go on with your suggestion if he seems receptive. Or..."I found the spanking you gave me very erotic and enjoyed it.  I think I'm ready to try a bit more the next time." and then tell him what is you are ready for.   You have not belittled his attempts to take a dominant role and you have shown him you appreciated what he did and desire to take it a little farther.

  • Start Asking Permission for Things - A good way to spark a dominant's hunger for control is to give him a sample or two.  One of the easiest ways is to begin asking for permission for simple things.  Ask to be excused when you must leave the room or for permission to go to bed.  Start using his/her title when doing it.  "Master, may I be excused for a few minutes?", "Master, may I watch tonight?" or "Mistress, may I please go to bed now?" are only a few examples.  You've put the decision in his hands, required a response and shown that they have control of this situation.  Don't expect miracles at first.   Many new dominants may seem to ignore your request because it made them feel a little uncomfortable or even foolish.  Sit patiently and wait for a reply and repeat the request only if necessary.  In time they'll develop a taste for it and will be quick to remind you when you forget to show that courtesy another time.

  • Begin to Ask for Opinions and Advice - Simple things and yet they can do a lot for building trust and confidence in your dominant.  Asking what outfit you should wear to work or how to deal with a problem with a neighbor are examples.  A word of caution: When you ask for opinions or advice...Take it!  You want to do some real undermining of their control?  Ask what outfit you should wear and then don't wear what he suggested.   The next time you are likely to hear "Do whatever you want like you usually do."  More than once I had to smile when looking at a blouse that didn't quite match my skirt because I asked what one I should wear.  The final results of doing this were beneficial to both of us.  Master has developed a better sense of color coordination and I no longer have to decide what to wear because He picks out all my clothing.

  • Stop Expecting To Be Forced Into Submission - It only happens in books or abusive relationships.   Submission is given, not torn from you.  If you think you are not acting submissive because your s/o isn't making you submissive, then you're only deluding yourself.  Save those fantasies about being forced to your knees to serve your master for your scenes.  Most of us have those kinds of "Beauty" fantasies and like to act them out now and then, but you can't live them and expect to be happy.   Your submissive nature can't be fed unless it's a willing and consensual act of surrender.  Go to a battered women's group and see first hand what "forced" submission is all about.  Accept responsibility for your successes or failures in your own submissive-ness.  A good dominant can bring out those feelings in you and help you go deeper and deeper into yourself, but your submission depends on your own desires and needs to give and to please.

  • Be Patient - "I want it, and I want it NOW!" is not the battle cry of the submissive army.   Learning to wait is a lesson we all need to practice.  It's not easy to wait for the day when you feel your dominant's foot on your neck, and feel his authority over you, but there are things that can fulfill you long before that day arrives.   Pleasing your dominant and making them happy just might come from backing off a little and giving them time to grow to the level you've reached.  Once they get there, you might find out you are the one that needs to grow most of all.  Most of the submissives I've known have remarked at some point or another: "I used to long for the time when my Master would really dominate me and now I have to struggle to give him the control he wants."  You have no idea how hard it can be to submit all the time until you get there so don't be in such a hurry.  You aren't ready for it any more than your dominant is.  Be patient for both of your sakes.

  • Learn to Control Your Tongue - When a long-time dom I knew was asked "What was the hardest part of training your submissive?" he replied, "Controlling her tongue.  I knew until it was under control I had no control of her mind or body at all.  Her sex was the easiest part because it received the pleasure from her submission.  Her tongue gives up the most and gets nothing in return."  That little muscle can get you in more trouble and damage the self-confidence of a novice dominant faster than any single part of you.  The tongue reflects the condition of your heart and mind, so train it well.  It will speak literally of the depth of your submission.

  • Create a Home Filled With Harmony and Peace - Make him the Master of his own home and you have half the battle won.  Find a special joy in tending to household duties that keep things in order and build a pleasant physical environment, and your s/o might be more likely to provide you with a safe enviroment for your submissive nature.  We all respond to the things around us, and positive changes in your home will not go unnoticed by a new dominant who is checking for any signs that there have been changes in your attitude or the relationship.  He/she will measure their success as the "Master/Mistress" of the house by some very unlikely yardsticks.  Taking care of your dominant's property can be very pleasant for a submissive.  Remember, you are also part of their property, so taking a little extra care to make sure you are well tended will be appreciated too.

There are no limits in the number of things that could go on this list.  Every couple has special areas that the submissive can work on to give evidene of their devotion and love to the dominant in their life.  A D/s relationship is like a garden.  (Where have you head that before? lol)  It can only yield what you've planted and won't grow if you don't sacrifice to tend and nuture it.  I've never seen one rose open because someone screamed, "Bloom, dammit" and your relationship is no different.

Some additional information that might help:
Changing Flavors - A Couple's Guide to Getting Started
The Garden - An Analogy of a D/s Relationship
Introducing Your Mate to D/s - The First Steps
Self-Taught Submission - A Key to Success






Who's Online

We have 58 guests online