A Struggle To Surrender
by
jade


Over a period of time, much of it spent with other submissives and working with those both new and seasoned in the lifestyle, I've been asked this question many times: "What should my goal be as a submissive in a D/s relationship?" Knowing that everyone has a different goal they'd like to achieve, I can only answer this from my own perspective. My answer? Complete surrender.

In the early part of my journey into self-discovery as a submissive, I discovered the answers to many questions I'd had most of my life. In my childhood I had been "a good girl," always seeking to please and needing approval for the things I did. As an adult, I'm not much different and still find pleasure in pleasing those who have earned my respect. Much of this behavior is due to my submissive nature. Finding out that there was a name for what I'd felt all my life gave me an inner peace I'd never known. Discovering there were other people who felt the same things I did gave me a sense of belonging and purpose I'd always longed for. I was eager to learn all I could about submission and the lifestyle that understood and welcomed this part of me.

I was very fortunate to cross paths with a small group of people who had dedicated a portion of their lives to educating novices who, either by choice or accident, had wandered into their world. The time I spent with them was a period of tremendous growth and learning. And when the time came for me to move along in my journey, I left them, armed with my new-found knowledge and the tools I'd need to continue my adventure into this new realm. The next few years were spent in preparation for the One I hoped I'd eventually find at the end of my travels.

Through the kindness of fate, at a time when I least expected Him to enter my life, I met the One. We hit it off immediately and became friends first and foremost. In time, we began to explore the possibility of entering into a relationship based on the D/s lifestyle and found we were compatible and quickly formed the early bonds that take place between submissive and dominant. I was ready. I'd practiced all the things I'd learned, knew all the proper manners and etiquette. I had embraced my submission as closely as anyone could, and I fully expected Him to be satisfied with what I had to offer Him. Well, perhaps with a few minor adjustments and some final polishing.

My submission to Him was easy once I'd learned to trust Him and He'd gained my complete confidence. With His guidance, I submitted my heart, body and will to Him. He was all I'd hoped for; gentle but firm, wise and patient, intelligent and witty. I had reached sub heaven and was still breathing. It was great. All my effort and hard work had paid off and all I had to do now was reap the benefits. WRONG!

Somewhere about this point in our journey together a word had surfaced in our talks. The word was "surrender." I'd heard of this word--after all, I'm a submissive, and I surely knew what surrender meant. My One, now known as my "Master," was pleased with my submission to Him but He had suggested that there was more that He desired from me. When I questioned Him about what it was He wanted, His answer was a simple one. "I want ALL of you." Now I was stunned. What's left that I haven't submitted? He knew every freckle on my skin. He had complete control of my actions and heart. I had made Him master of my soul. What's left? The answer: complete surrender.

That day we began a new journey, one that went deeper into my being than anyone had ever gone. It went to the core of my emotions and my thought processes. It went to the darkest recesses of my mind, the softest parts of my heart, the attic where I'd stored my treasures, the basement where I'd hidden my secrets and the vault where I'd locked away all my hurts and disappointments.

Has this journey been easy? No. By far, it's the most difficult thing either of us have undertaken in our relationship. There have been times when it's been painful, frightening, and has shaken us both. Thankfully, we have a solid foundation of love, trust and respect that we laid long before we started building the walls of our house.

Has it been beneficial? Yes. It has opened the doors to things we'd never dreamed of, taken down walls that kept us apart, and given us both fulfillment and a deeper love, respect and trust than we'd ever had. I've found freedom from things that kept me chained to a past event or gave me fear of the future. Like the layers of an onion, He's helped me to peel away the things I've hidden even from myself.

Has it ended? No, and I suspect that it never will. Reaching complete surrender is not something that will happen quickly for anyone. There have been so many times that I've surrendered something to my Master only to run back and reclaim the gift I'd placed at His feet. He's patient and understands that sometimes I'm just not ready to let go of it yet and He encourages me to try again another day. Although my heart's desire is to lay my very soul out before Him like an open book so that He can read each word I've written there, my mind will not always allow it. There are things that I don't fear Him seeing but I'm not ready to look at them myself. His intent is not to find secrets or treasures that He wishes to use for His own needs, but desires to help me to understand myself more fully so that I may be able to give more of myself to Him. There have been things that He's found written there that His love and compassion have gently erased so that I will never have to view them again. As we turn each page together, we both learn and that helps us grow as a couple.

Submission is a wonderful expression of devotion and service to another human being that you've given dominion over you. You make an active choice to submit, to give in, to let go of your personal power and will. Surrender is the completion of what submission begins. It's giving all of you: body, heart and soul, and not just your will. It's not giving up...it's giving--completely and limitlessly--of all that you are. This is my goal.

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