Castle Realm D/s Resource Center

Forming A D/s Relationship

The Voyage Continues...

Some thoughts for more experienced explorers on relationships.

Now that you've already had lift-off and are successfully navigating around in subSpace, you might be ready to try some intergalactic exchanges with those alien life forms known as DOMINANTS. Perhaps you're even ahead of the game and have met one who has had you circling in a holding pattern for awhile or even had a "close encounter" that has made you fire your retrorockets and prepare to land. Now is the time to you to learn some skills and pick up a few tools that will help you in forging a relationship with those wonderful beings called Dom/mes.

Forming A Solid D/s Relationship

The ultimate goal for a submissive is to meet the dominant of their dreams and form a relationship that is mutually beneficial and satisfying. Accomplishing this is not always easy and it requires some work and a lot of patience. There are several major pitfalls encountered in this task. Here are a few and some help in avoiding them.

* Rushing into a relationship before the proper foundation has been laid.
* Not being prepared for this type of commitment and knowing your limits.
* Lacking communication skills in expressing needs and desires in the relationship.
* Failure to map out a clear list of expectations and obligations within the relationship.
* Expecting too much too soon.

Being in a hurry has probably brought on more heartaches than any single thing we hear about when discussing failed relationships. Those submissive urges can be very strong and sometimes overpower common sense unless you really keep things from getting out of hand. Without first building a foundation of love, trust and respect, there isn't much hope of any relationship succeeding, especially a D/s one. Searching for the Dom/me of your dreams is pretty much like dating in the vanilla world but with an added twist: You will have to trust this person with your life and well-being. You have to really know this person and I personally do not believe this can happen before you have had several months on which to base your judgment. Don't be afraid to ask for references from people he/she knows in the lifestyle. If this creates a problem because you did ask, I'd consider the possibility that this person has something to hide.

The charming dom wants to meet you at a hotel to play. You love his letters, full of promising hours of delight and exertions that would tire a star athlete. He swears that he can part his hair with his tongue. But, he won't give you his number and he can't give you references.

Does this mean you have a Hannibal Lechter just dying to sink his teeth into you? Not likely. You probably have that most common of rogues, the married man cheating on his wife. But can you afford to take the chance? Well, if you're the kind of woman who dives into empty swimming pools, go for it. It's been nice knowing you.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns- Miller and Devon - Mystic Rose Books.
Chapter 3, pages 48-49.

Not fully understanding your limits and the things expected in this lifestyle can lead to some serious problems that can be easily avoided. Learn all you can about D/s and yourself. Go over the checklist of activities with your potential dominant and find out what things do an do not interest you. This list is provided on the links below. You have the right and obligation to honestly express your feelings on activities within this lifestyle. No one likes or needs them all and keeping your real feelings hidden will only lead to problems later. Keep in mind that dominants have limits too. For a relationship to be satisfying and healthy it has to be based on mutual interests and goals.

"When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations."

from: SM-101: A Realistic Introduction - Jay Wiseman

Communicating effectively is more than just talking. You have to be able to voice your concerns, hopes, needs, dreams, disappointments, and hurts as well as all the positive emotions you so willingly share. Remember it's also listening to what is said and the way it's said. Gestures, facial expressions and body language often say more than words. Learning some better communication skills is always a good investment for your future. A great deal of the dynamics of a D/s relationship hinges on you openly sharing your fantasies and fears. If there is something that's causing you to be anxious or has left you unfulfilled, it's your duty to communicate this to your dominant. The same applies for the things that have given you pleasure or satisfaction. You have to share what's happening inside that submissive head and heart. Remember, even the best dominant is not a mind reader.

Not taking the time to sit down and reach some clearly defined dos and do nots can be the demise of even the best of D/s relationships. Both parties need to know exactly what is expected of them and state what they need to receive from the partnership. A contract, preferably a written one, can save a lot of disappointments and misunderstandings later. Drafting out a contract can be a wonderful experience for both of you. It gives you an opportunity to view the long term goals for the relationship and define the responsibilities and expectations each of you have.

Another key communications and safety tool is a contract (also known as a slave contract), which bears a vague resemblance to a prenuptial agreement. D&Sers often prepare formal written agreements that specify the nature of the prospective D&S relationship and delineate the guidelines partners will observe. These agreements are meticulously negotiated by both partners in a nonerotic context, so that power roles do not bias judgment. Contracts typically stipulate limits and give concrete expression to each partner's expectations and commitments.

Different Loving - Brames, Brames and Jacobs - Villard Books
Chapter 3, page 50.

Expecting too much from a relationship in the beginning is another costly mistake. It takes time -- lots of it -- for both parties to build the love and trust needed for a D/s relationship to grow. Each small hurdle that's overcome helps to strengthen those bonds and gives the relationship a stronger foundation. Both submissive and dominant will make mistakes along the way before they learn to read each other correctly and to anticipate the needs of the other. Using the things mentioned here and the tools found on the links below will help get you past some of the worst times. When one of you has failed, it's important to implement these tools to keep from repeating the same mistakes.

Here's a little quote that will help get you over some of the bad times...these keys are precious.

The keys are the rusty and unused ones of love, patience and truth.
--Love that seeks the good of all;
--patience, that "overcometh evil," and tenderly, earnestly, strives to do all the work set before it;
--truth, that speaks no ill, keeps the tongue clean, the heart single.
To these three keys it is given to unlock the sealed mysteries and beauties of the heart which the world has buried 'neath its rubbish.
----Author unknown.

Keep these keys from becoming rusty...use them often.

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